Caught In A Web of Gaslighting

I would like to share my story of how I overcame, what I went through in hope that it will be someone else' SURVIVAL GUIDE. It starts out with Mr. Prince Charming for the first 6months and gradually changed into Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. This book is based on a true story about a powerful and explosive relationship! It contains graphic scenes of sex, drugs, violence and abuse. This book was written mostly from my journals. At first it was because I didn't want to forget all the good. Later it was to protect my sanity. My abuser was extremely manipulating and kept me confused much of the time with mixed signals. (GASLIGHTING) In my teenage years I witnessed verbal abuse, threats and violence, so I thought that was normal. As a young child, I was extremely ill with severe asthma and was in and out of hospitals a lot! My doctors advised me to learn how to control my emotions at a very early age. This skill only accelerated my abuse. Josh was a pot smoker and he was always pushing pot on me trying to keep me under the influence enough to help him control me. He ordered me to just do it! I tried to escape him and his narcissist ways several times. One week was the duration of our first separation. Two weeks was the duration of our second separation. During the separations I went through some heavy-duty, mind-boggling experiences. I was weak and very vulnerable! It made me mad that even though I'd found the courage to leave him, he was still controlling me through my dreams. I even fell asleep during the day and he was there, too! I couldn't seem to get rid of him. I could clearly see him, all of him. I could see every detail of his body. I could feel him coming near. The air was dense with his electricity. I felt his breath, his touch, the warmth of his body, his soft lips, his tongue, his penetration. Until now I had always believed the love endures all. I honestly thought my love would be the love that saved him. I honestly thought my love would be enough to change him. I thought that if I prayed enough, God would make him safe for me.